Bear Trap
Two old heavy metal rockers reunite at the remote spot where they wrote their famous album, and one steps into a bear trap.
Cinema fans, let’s contemplate a few classics. A shared theme makes each of these gems tick:
John Candy and Steve Martin in Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes Her
Woody and Buzz Lightyear in – well – ALL the Toy Story flicks
Yup, it’s that “odd couple” dynamic. As long as you nail the banter and crazy slapstick right, films such as these are a guaranteed rockin’ time.
Though… if a director seeks to stand out, something new has to be brought to the table. And after one’s seen a toy cowboy trash talk a space cadet, what unique odd couple combo’s left?
How’s about has-been rockers? You know, the Spinal Tap variety – years after they’ve folded AARP cards into frayed and stained wallets, and bowed for one last curtain call.
Meet Kenton Fry and Patch Von Poppel, the remaining members of Bloody Hand, a once legendary heavy metal band. Major emphasis on the “once” part – because Bloody Hand’s heyday is long past played out. Musical genius Roy McBain drank himself to death. Since then, Kenton Fry’s evolved into a nature lover who dabbles in Buddhist hymns. As for Patch Von Poppel – he’s flailing desperately to cling to his rock-rebel self-image… but his spreading paunch and hairpiece sing a pathetic, off-key tune.
Glory days are worth chasing, but how fast and far?
The opening of Rob Herzog’s Bear Trap finds Kenton and Patch reunited at a cabin in the woods. The occasion: an interview with reporter Austin O’Dell reminiscing over the making of “Bear Trap”, the titular album that scored them fame and fortune, all those years ago.
A walk down memory lane – that’s pleasant, right? Not for Kenton and Patch, who are instantly at each other’s throats. Their snarkiness ratches up to “eleven” – fast.
Into the room clomps PATCH VON POPPEL (60s). His long rock- star hair is clearly a hairpiece. He wears an unbuttoned black shirt and tight pants stretched across doughy thighs.
PATCH
Don't ask Kenton to do something.
He needs to be told.
KENTON
Let me tell you something, ace:
There's a dead yak on your head.
PATCH
(tilts his hairpiece)
Dead as your career.
Dead but FAR from forgotten. Kenton’s memories aren’t the fond and frilly type:
KENTON
Let's cut the shit. It was the worst fucking time of my life.
It was like stomach cancer.
But Patch cherishes the “good old days” warts and all… he’s even bought an actual BEAR TRAP for the sit down. Envisioning it as a PR prop, Patch urges Kenton to take pictures with the device. A bit of marketing magic, who could that hurt? As an animal rights activist, Kenton blows those plans off. There’s no way in hell he’ll smile for the camera, he informs Patch, holding that evil device.
The two square off for an epic rock clash– until twenty something SERGEY unexpectedly bursts in. The ultimate Bloody Hand fanboy, Sergey’s dressed in a bear pelt and stoned out of his mind. When he spots heroes Patch and Kenton, the kid looses his shit and sanity even more.
Austin blocks Sergey from the two old rock stars and guides him back to the door.
AUSTIN
This isn't a fan event, my friend. It's private.
(points to the door)
How'd you know we were here?
SERGEY
I sniffed you out. I'm a bear.
Seeing the Bear Trap, Sergey bounds over - prods its sharp jaws.
Snap! The ferocious trap nearly takes off his face.
KENTON
That's it. I'm going to the woods so I don't have to watch this idiot
trap his dick in your fucked up marketing prop.
But before Kenton can commune with nature, Sergey dives on Austin – howling:
SERGEY
Mosh pit!
Right next to the loaded Trap.
You think Bloody Hand’s Drugged out Glory Days were crazy? Well, things are about to go REALLY insane.
A one location, four character gem, Bear Trap balances a harmonious blend of erudite banter and over the top physical yucks. Patch and Kenton may be in their Golden Years – but if you’re a director who can deliver humorous suspense with sharp bon mots, Bear Trap just might be the “Single” that plants YOU on the charts!