A Killer Love Song
The would be victim of a masked slasher turns expectations on their head
not only with song but a disturbing discovery that leads to horrible romance.
Who doesn’t love… well, Love Songs? Infusing melody in a tale often leaves magic in its wake. Need more convincing? Cult faves speak for themselves: for instance, Buffy the Musical. Or Rocky Horror – remember that? Even more recently, consider Hazbin Hotel.
In the lesser “vein” of Evil Dead the Musical (yes, that’s actually a thing – look it up!) comes Michael Roger’s tongue in cheek (and knife in chest) short, A Killer Love Song.
As with any comfy slasher, Killer Love Song opens up in – where else? – the woods. In the dead of night (pun intended), a teen girl “going on 20” races between trees, with someone - or someTHING - in lumbering pursuit. She’s a camp attendee. Shockers there.
And the man shuffling after her wears – well, not quite a hockey guard or William Shatner mask – but something else that covers his brutal, psycho face. Then there’s that huge-azz kitchen knife he’s wielding. No wonder he has to walk so slow. Carrying a utensil like THAT around, one should be mindful not to trip.
Also, our pal’s busy SINGING. You got that right, kiddies. Psycho man’s not only carrying a weapon, but a tune.
MASKED MAN
What am I doing?
Is it only me that I'm fooling?
Chasing a feeling I can't touch?
In the following stanzas, he muses poetically about his urge to kill. And he’s chasing more than just a feeling. Or the girl. Because there’s a twenty-something male teen on his kill list, too.
Aka Svelte Guy. Who, unlike Girl, has stumbled into a hole and broken his leg. Fortunately, Girl’s right behind him. Assuming she knows first aid and keeps her cool, maybe more than ONE of them will survive the night.
She jumps in. Crouches to examine his leg. The bone is sticking out.
GIRL
The bone is sticking out.
SVELTE GUY
(in shock)
Is it broke?
GIRL
The bone
(claps)
is
(claps)
sticking
(claps)
out!
His glassy eyes just stare at her.
SVELTE GUY
Is it bad? Is it broke?
Well, if you had a compound fracture, would you be a great conversationalist? Probably not.
Still, they’ve got to act. Fast. Slasher Dude’s closing in. And he’s singing his black heart out, each leaf crunching step.
MASKED MAN
A hole is a cliche,
Who gives a shit what you say,
I just want it gone away.
So where does it come from?
An age-old conundrum.
You may ask simply...
My mother didn’t love me?
Or she loved me too much?
Is it because daddy left me
Or because he had a bad touch?
The bullies did they change me?
Or was it I was the bully and as such,
When it comes to nature versus
nurture
Is my DNA just the wrong stuff?
SVELTE GUY (O.S.)
AAAHHHHHHH!!!
Masked Man spins, pinpoints the direction. Sprints, back on the hunt.
What happens next? Well, it’s best you off-Broadway fans read the script to find out. Let’s just say tons of singing and roasting of slasher cliches is involved. If you dig horror flicks and know a composer to put tunes behind Masked Man’s words, A Killer Love Song could be your ticket to quite the Rocky Horror Homage. Gore sung with feeling: what audience could resist that?