What Exit?

Carl was never so very proud of Jersey, until the rest of the country started to knock it. Then he got on the defensive. The “What Exit” catch phrase, and reality shows like ‘The Jersey Shore’ and ‘The Housewives of New Jersey’ were giving Jersey such a bad rep that Carl got hell bent on turning this bad rep around. So much so that when he lost his job getting people back for running Jersey down, he decided to run for Governor. Running for Governor was not the best idea, according to Carl’s girlfriend Jessica. “what you need to do is get a real job.” Rent was due, after all. But Carl was determined, and his platform was clear, turn our bad rep around. He kept track of it all in his Gov. ideas notebook that he put a tracking device on with an audio feature. “Coo-coo!” shouts Jessica. “Don’t call me that!” It was hard work, but Carl collected signatures as an independent and got on the ballot. Now he was in the race. He knew he couldn’t win, as an independent, but he sure as hell was gonna try. Just as things were looking great, a shocking curve ball. Former comedian from Thursday Night Live fame, Moe Tiskopo announces his candidacy for governor. “What? The guy who gave New Jersey it’s worse catchphrase ever, “What Exit” wants to be the governor? Furious. Later, late night, on a Hoboken street, Carl hangs up posters of Moe Tiskopo proclaiming him ‘public enemy number one’. The man who gave us our worst catchphrase ever. When a local police cruiser gives chase Carl is rescued by a lone woman who was driving by, admiring his sign. Carl is now meeting one of the only people who also remembers that Moe Tiskopo created that phrase. Carl has just met his new campaign manager, Stacy. With Stacy’s help Carl hits the campaign trail around the great state of New Jersey. His stump speech is clear… We need to turn our bad reputation around. Eliminating tolls, Pristine welcome center on the turnpike, investing heavily in the beautification of Newark airport. Actually, the beautification of all parts of New Jersey that the rest of the nation might visit. We need to convince the celebrities born here to talk us up, instead of running us down. The New York Giants and Jets need to become the Jersey Giants and the Jersey Jets. We need to get some shows on the television that show New Jersey in a favorable light instead of the mess that’s been on up until now. But Moe Tiskopo is on the campaign trail as well, and his stump speech? Making people laugh. Entertaining them. Being a standup comedian, a song and dance man and doing magic tricks. Basically, hypnotizing an already hypnotized crowd. Frustrating. The only issue that Tiskopo ever talks about is the River Dredge Project at Arthur kill. Why? On election day, the television announcer blurts out Tiskopo wins! Carl knew he was not going to win he just didn’t want that guy who invented our worst catchphrase ever to win. In the days that follow is a bitter Carl, hating the world, loving that drink and telling anyone who will listen that Tiskopo is a skunk. One day Carl comes home to find Jessica missing. He drinks. He throws his Gov ideas book in the trash. He loses himself in a PBS documentary on TV. The documentary focuses on Lee Harvey Oswald and his life leading up to the assassination. Carl starts to realize that he’s just like Oswald. Frustrated that nobody paid attention to him. He thought his ideas were important and should be respected. But nobody cared. The documentary speculated that when he heard of the coincidence that the president of the United States would pass by in a parade right where he worked, he saw this as his opportunity to make a difference. Now Carl really started to have crazy, crazy, crazy thoughts. He turned off the TV stood up and realized, “I have Lee Harvey Oswald syndrome. Carl realized that he just saw an entire documentary about that ignored man. Books have been written about that ignored man. Movies have been made about that ignored man. He was ignored no more. If I did what he did people would no longer ignore me. The content of my Gov ideas book would become known. Carl reaches his arms up to the sky and states it out loud for the world to hear… Moe Tiskopo must die! Carl tried to do just that, but Carl got caught and was sent for psychiatric observation in the looney bin. There he learns techniques for anger management there he has long therapy sessions and there he gets better in a hurry. So fast that he actually sets the record for shortest time served until release in a criminal prosecution at the Hospital. Stacy picks him up upon release, not Jessica who has long ago broken up with Carl. Stacy learns that Carl is one hundred percent cured. He has no more hatred for Moe Tiskopo and he can manage his anger. When Stacy demands proof Carl claims that he could walk right up to him, shake Tiskopo’s hand, turn his back and walk away. It just so happens that Tiskopo is at a ribbon-cutting for the Arthur Kill river dredge project. So, Stacy takes him there and Carl does shake Tiskopo’s hand. They discuss Carl’s ‘turn our bad rep around’ platform. That platform impresses Tiskopo, so much so that, as they part ways, Tiskopo actually steals Carl’s Gov ideas book!! Later that night Carl and Stacy watch the State of the State address. Governor Tiskopo begins to go through his intentions for our great state for the next year and all of his ideas are STRAIGHT OUT OF CARL’S GOV IDEAS BOOK! Carl declares that he is going to kill Moe Tiskopo. However, next morning, Carl insist he is not going to kill Moe Tiskopo. He was just a little crazy last night. It’s not important who implements his ideas for New Jersey just that they do get implemented. To prove it to Stacy he says he will go to Tiskopo, personally, and tell him that he is welcome to use his ideas. Tiskopo has my blessing. Stacy agrees. “We’ll look online and see where his next appearance is, but Carl asks “why? We have a tracking device in the Gov ideas book. I’ll know right where he is right now”. Surprise, who should be standing there at the diner? It’s Jessica. Jessica acts like Carl is cheating with Stacy. Carl points out that Jessica ended their relationship. Jessica is hurt and declares that she did not mean to. Jessica heads off, her heart broken, and Carl and Stacy head off to find the Governor in Trenton. But Tiskopo is different now. He’s not all smiles and jokes. “I knew I’d see you again after I stole that little book of yours and gave my speech last night.” Carl explains, “I’m only here to let you know that I’m fine with you using my ideas”. Tiskopo laughs. He makes clear that he it’s not really going to implement any of those ideas, he is just using them as a platform to appear like a great guy as he squeezes money out of the state and into his wallet. Tiskopo leaves Carl behind with a wicked laugh leaving Carl completely disillusioned. Turning the audio feature on, Carl hears Tiskopo plan and scheme with co-conspirators. All the dredge that is removed from Arthur Kill will be redirected to dam Arthur Kill on both sides. They are calling it temporary, to complete the dredge, but in truth, Staten Island will soon be connected to New Jersey. Staten Island politicians, in Tiskopo’s pocket, will vote to secede from New York City and become a municipality of New Jersey. Staten Island will then be declared part of New Jersey. Tiskopo’s master plan revealed! Carl realizes he must be stopped." Jessica thinks that Carl is simply obsessed with Tiskopo, again and tries to stop him but soon learns that it isn’t a paranoid delusion, Tiskopo is a megalomaniac! Carl, Jessica and Stacy work together to gather evidence to stop Tiskopo. They follow Tiskopo to Staten Island banks, real estate offices and county clerk’s offices. They don’t need to follow the literal money to see that Tiskopo has been investing in Staten Island. The team learn that the Arthur Kill Dredge bill is up for a vote tomorrow. If this bill does not pass, the whole plan fails and Tiskopo ends up in the poor house. "Ok, that’s it." resolves Carl. "We stop the bill, vote it down and Tiskopo loses big time." But how? In the morning the three arrive at the New Jersey Capitol Complex with purpose and determination, walking to the voting chambers. They approach Assemblymen and states the case. "Moe Tiskopo is a skunk. Today’s vote for the Arthur Kill dredge is really a bill to steal Staten Island from New York city.” They hand out flyers with the details. The three partners finish passing out the flyers and reconvene. Carl looks around and he sees no real impact. "Apathy!" Suddenly cops bust into the assembly. They go right up to Carl and cuff him then haul Carl out of the assembly. Tiskopo is there wearing his goofy, I’m a comedian face. " Sorry for the interruption. Nothing to see here folks." The crowd laughs. "This guy was released from the nut house. Whatever he told you is..." Tiskopo makes loops with his finger around his ear. "...loco. The dredge Bill is a go." Tiskopo finds a handcuffed, Carl standing in front of his desk. He holds Carl’s flyer up and laughs. When Carl dares Tiskopo to remove the cuffs, HE DOES claiming that Carl is simply no threat. Then Carl asks for one of those ‘movie moments’ when the super villain reveals to the superhero his evil plot. Tiskopo is happy to comply. Meanwhile Carl has started to record with his cell phone’s app! Tiskopo reveals that he is extorting every single member of the NJ Assembly and every Staten Island member of the council of the city of New York. That cost millions in PI Fees and was WORTH the MONEY! Tiskopo will become a multi-millionaire when Staten Island joins Jersey. He’ll control access to New York City. That's power. He'll privatize and his nephew, Flats Tiskopo will run operations. He’ll own the Department of Public Works and that means mob pay off money. And he plans on taking the Statue of Liberty too, just to be an asshole. Carl takes a step back and proclaims, "Got it!" Carl waves the cell at Tiskopo to show he's been recording. He is quickly out the window running away. Carl hands the cell phone to the girls. "He confessed, he confessed. It’s recorded! Go play that recording for the assembly before they vote." Jessica and Stacy run off. They run into the assembly and press play on the cell. They begin to walk around so everyone can hear Tiskopo’s confession. This time the Assemblymen do listen, and they head over to the girls and huddle. They start to fume over it. Then Madam speaker begins the roll call vote for the Arthur Kill Dredge project. As Assembly men begin each voting "Nay" when called, Jessica and Stacy hug each other. Tiskopo enters with a bang. The assembly boo him. "Fuck you, haters!" Undeterred, Madam speaker continues the vote. As each name is called Tiskopo threatens an extortion promise but it's no good, each Assembly man votes "Nay." "You’ll all pay!" The Assemblymen start to applaud for Carl. Tiskopo is hating it. It becomes a standing ovation. Tiskopo flips Carl the bird and turns to the door. "Oh, you’re leaving?" Carl yells to Tiskopo, "What exit?"