Hello all,
EDIT UPDATE: Wow, you're guidance has been a huge help already. I am making some updates based on your feedback and appreciate any other pearls of wisdom you can throw my way about this coming of age rock music road trip drama's log line:
Original:
To reach rock stardom, an orphaned, punk rock drummer must sacrifice her band, confront her scheming father, and topple a corporation before they can steal her mother's last song.
possible edit:
To reach rock stardom, an adopted, punk rock drummer must sacrifice her band, confront her birth father, and topple a scheming music publisher before they can steal her mother's last song.
Not crazy different, but adopted instead of orphaned might make the family tree a bit less confusing and music publisher instead of corporation clarifies a bit more who plans to steal the song instead of a faceless corporation.
keep it coming and thanks!
doug esper
Hi Douglas. they're both excellent but I would make #2 the logline and put #1 in the synopsis.
Elizabeth
That second logline is really good, not only in terms of execution but in terms of concept too. That sounds like it could be a cracking little indie film.
Thanks to all for the comments and private messages with guidance and feedback. The second option seems to be the overwhelming favorite, but there were some questions that I tried to clarify with an updated version, which I added to my origional post.
Make a log line, they said...boil 100 minutes into a sentence, have a few laughs...ha.
The second logline has lost it for me now. Way too convoluted and overly detailed. Was spot on before.
CJ,
thanks for the feedback! If it ain't broke...I'll leave it as-is. I wrote the screenplay (I now know that I am supposed to write the log line first, oops) with an eye toward filming on a super limited, indie (or less) budget, but I think I still managed to fit in some sizable scenes and emotional hooks. My low/no budget film experience came from my involvement in music, so I'm learning as I dip my toes in further. At this point, I'm still just amazed at how a good film crew can make so much quality with so few resources, especially working on the fly as obstacles change plans. Inspiring to say the least.
doug esper
doug esper
It's good to see you leaning into the write what you know mantra. There's no specific right time to pen a logline. Sometimes, it's best done when you complete a screenplay and you're super excited. Sometimes, it's best to lock in what you're writing before you start. All depends on your process.
Can I suggest putting the aim first.
To prevent the thief of her mother's final sing a punk drum takes on a scheming music publisher, sacrificing her band, while also confronting her birth father.
I think "birth father" lets us know she is adopted.
Good call by Craig. That does a great job of putting the stakes upfront.
Craig,
Thanks. It's funny how easy it is to get lost in the weeds of a log line. My other log line option had started something like, "when a drummer discovers her mom's long, lost demo...which is the inciting incident, but maybe starting with stakes makes more sense.
I didn't do myself any favors by having a three seemingly unconnected goals develope in eac act and then morph together at the end...I think i need to boil it down even further to the emotional coretheme for the log line. i'm going to chew on your ideas today, and see what comes out.
On an unrelated note, seeing all of your guitars, any bands in your area you'd recomend us checking out?
thanks again,
doug esper
Ok,
Might be a side-step in the wrong direction, but I retooled the log line...her main goal throughout is to start and embrace a career in the rock music mainstream, so I kept that up top, but added a bit about her emotional core/fatal flaw..
To reach rock stardom, a drummer must sacrifice the band she founded, identify her birth father and confront a music publisher scheming to steal her mother’s legacy, but will her abandonment issues prevent her from embracing the help she needs to succeed?
Might just and me back to the original, but thought I'd see how this landed.
I think you're putting way too much in. It just needs to communicate the main hook and needs to catch someone's eye, and make sense in seconds.
On the verge of stardom, an orphaned musician finds she may have to sacrifice everything to seek out her estranged father and take on a faceless corporation to protect the legacy her mother left her.
CJ,
Yeah, it was too much. I think i'm going back to the start, even if not perfect it communicated just about what I wanted. 'Sacrifice everything' certainly boils down a lot of what i tried to convey with specific examples. I'll have some more coffee and a think. I have a metal/hardcore show to prepare my 45 year old, out of shape frame for tonight :)
doug esper
The problem you've got is, when you ask people for advice, they generally tell you to keep adding more.
CJ,
That's also the problem when i ask my stomach if it's full :)
doug
ok,
does this version move the needle at all?
When her late mother's final song becomes the key to rock stardom, an ambitious drummer must choose between success and loyalty, but first she’ll need to recruit the birth father she’s never met to help prevent a ruthless music mogul from stealing the killer tune.
I think it's good. No question whatsoever what it is about. If to improve the logline, to fit my taste, you'd have to make the song be about her father.
A late mother's revenge song about her ex gaps the door to stardom for her drummer girl, until stolen and only he could help whom the song is about.
Heh,
well, the song is about the dad, but a positive/hopeful/helpful song.
I do love a good revenge story though ;)
Doug
Hi Douglas, perhaps this?
To reach rock stardom, a punk rocker must sacrifice her band, confront her deadbeat father, and battle a music mogul trying to steal her late mother's song.
Lance,
this seems to get to the heart of it. I have a soft spot for the dad, but he could be seen as a deadbeat by the reader. I'll chew on this. Thanks
doug